Coppers Face Axe From Copper Face Jacks

Embattled Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan was again making headlines for all the wrong reasons this week. The top cop was spotted getting into a scuffle with bouncers at the infamous watering hole on Harcourt Street. It’s believed up to six bouncers were required to eject her from the premises with one member of security having his ear bitten off in the melee.

O’Sullivan had arrived earlier that night the “worse for wear” after an all day drinking session with the Assistant Garda Commissioner and “retired” Commissioner Martin Callinan. Despite being initially refused, she managed to blag her way in past security by repeatedly slurring the words “do you know who I am?”…and…”I know the owner”. A reveller in the queue noted “she was getting all mouthy and pushing the bouncers who were telling her, not tonight Noirin…and go get a coffee.. when the owner came out and waved her and the rest of the lads through to the VIP section. Well, then it really kicked off.” He continued “She was straight on the jager-bombs and her and Callinan were necking yokes and doing lines of coke” The Chemical Brother’s came on and Callinan and O’Sullivan were straight up on the speakers, tops off, reaching for the lasers.

An eyewitness reports says the dance floor was full of rank and file garda who were egging them on with a chant going up of “Noreen, Noreen, Noreen, Noreeeeeen” to the tune of Dolly Parton’s song “Jolene”. It was when O’Sullivan lept from the speakers to crowd-surf the packed nightclub that things started to really get out of hand.

Fresh faced recruit, Cathal, from Templemore told us “shure den all hell broke lose. Der’ was a pint spilt and O’Sullivan said she had nahhin’ ta do we’ iht and den a few digs went in and before ya knew it she was holding a broken bottle to this fellas neck like…” “but I saw nahhin’ like, so don’t quote me on dat.” Security then intervened and had to drag a kicking and screaming Garda Commissioner out of the club. Once outside the melee continued with a now shirtless Noirin involved in a brawl involving a half dozen burly bouncers. Screaming “come on yiz pricks…I’ll have the lot of yiz” the stand-off continued until Callinan and the Assistant Commish arrived up the stairs with the coats and, putting an arm around her said “come on Noirin, they’re not worth it..let’s get a kebab”. The top cops were last seen climbing into the back of a rickshaw heading towards Leeson Street.

A spokesman from the Garda press office today released a statement saying “The Commissioner had consumed a non-alcoholic beverage with a meal while quietly socialising with friends and had been in bed before 9pm.” before doing the “pints” motion to his colleagues and heading to the pub.

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