With the inauguration of Donncha Tully as the new President of Ireland, we take a look at the election promises made by the billionaire over the course of his controversial campaign.
Donncha Tully, the illegitimate son of Irish billionaire, Donal O’Brien was only considered an outside chance of winning the election, with most polls against him. But the ‘I’m a knacker, get me out of here‘ reality TV star won over the electorate in a landslide victory, last November. His slogan ‘Make Dublin Great Again‘ and matching merchandise was a real hit with locals around Parnell Street, and behind Dublin Castle. But with the election now over, it’s time to review just how Dublin can be great again!
Build a Wall. A Great Big Fecking Wall.
Mr Tully announced very early in the lead-up to the election that his top priority would be to build a wall. The wall, yet to be designed and costed, will cordon off Ballymun from the rest of Dublin in an attempt to reduce the number of illegal horses making their way into the city streets. Tully took this a step further by suggesting all horses were criminals, in at a speech near Castleknock: “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists…”
In another speech near the spire a few weeks later made to a large mob of tracksuits, Tully was quoted as proclaiming: “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
Immediate Ban On International School Tour Groups.
Mr Tully has often raised concerns about large groups of international school groups traveling to Ireland. Often found congregating around Dame & George Streets, or generally looking lost while occupying entire footpaths, international school groups are an issue the local electorate is all too aware of. Tully has proceeded by calling for a total and complete shutdown of all school kids coming into the Republic of Leinster. Tully was quoted that this was “until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on.”
Dublin Is Green Enough Already Feck Ye.
With renewable energy, and climate change a big topic internationally, Tully won the electorate over with his suggestion that global warming would be good for Ireland. The new president suggested: “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”
Promote Racial Harmony & Music In Dublin Taxis.
The locals are all to aware of the disharmony between local militant, talk-back radio listening taxi drivers and those who enjoy listening to music in a taxi. During the election Tully suggested that he will be the best candidate to squash any tensions in the local taxi industry when he said: “I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”
When it was later suggested that Mr Tully was a blatant racist, he conceded: “There have been many bad things said about me over the years, and in some cases they’ve been true. It doesn’t bother me.”
Post Election Win Realities.
The morning after election day, and with some 12% of the vote counted, Tully announced his victory. While seemingly hoping to channel some Conor McGregor-ness, he said: “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”
For the local opinion we asked Aonghus Sweeney what he and his thirty-eight cousin-sisters thought of the new president, and the consensus was overwhelming: “Feck it, it’ll be grand. “
Editors note: Quotes taken verbatim from some U.S president, for a laugh only.