Trump Declares War On Seagulls

Donald Trump this morning diverted the 5th fleet destined for North Korea to about turn and steam instead for Dublin Bay. The executive order came as Trump said he’s ready to lead the fight against the scourge of seagulls that have “plagued our cities” of late. Tweeting from his bed this morning Trump wrote “I hear you. This problem is HUGE. People of Ireland. The Seagulls must die. #seagullscum”.

It comes in response to pleas from Fianna Fail Senator, Ned O’Sullivan to exterminate the winged vermin. Speaking in the Seanad earlier this month, O’Sullivan, who earns €143,000 per year of taxpayers money for talking about important stuff said, “The seagulls are a menace to society. I left my bin bags out on the street the other night and when I came out the next day there was a big hole pecked in it. There were teabags and a load of shite blown all over the street”

Presidential aides awoke Trump to take the early morning call from Senator O’Sullivan with Trump promising to unleash a wave of shock and awe on the chip robbing bastards. The problem has reached epidemic levels in Stephen’s Green where Seagulls are now top-dog and ducks don’t get a look in. “I brought my young fella along to feed the ducks” said one father, “but there are none. Just fucking seagulls in the pond. They don’t even quack”.

Gull cull No bull

The epidemic has risen in tandem with the popularity of street food and so called “pop-up” village markets. Seagulls snatching food from revellers is not unknown, with reports of an office worker earlier in the week being dive-bombed by the winged predators. “I had just bought an overpriced, organic, handmade, artisan burger for only €9 euros when a seagull swooped and grabbed it from my hand. I nearly shat myself”

Meanwhile, a Dublin City Council spokesman today welcomed the decision to shoot the crap out the pesky predators stating “our lads have a pain in their hoop sweeping up after the little fuckers. It’s gotten to the stage where they actually have to do some work. But I am in me hole cleaning up a load of dead birds”.