We’ve all been there. Out and about minding your own business when all of a sudden you’re desperate for a dump. But where to go when you’ve got to go? Rebel Dublin gives a shit. So you don’t have to.
We’ve scampered the length and breadth of this durty auld town with a rolled up newspaper under our arm. The results have been verified by an independent panel of scientists, scatoligists, & a senior partner from KPMG. We’ve scored them based on ambience, privacy, cleanliness, paper & the all important wi-fi signal.
So let’s cut the crap and get down to business.
The Shelbourne:
You can’t beat a posh poo! If you’re ever caught short in St Stephen’s Green Park this is the handiest place to get to. Don’t let the doorman in the top-hat put you off. Act as if you own the flippin’place & give him a quick nod. Straight through the revolving doors it’s a beeline across the lobby, down the red carpeted stairs and in on your left past the barbershop you will find the crapper. The big solid oak doors from floor to ceiling offer you a sense of privacy you just don’t get with a three-quarter length door. It’s always empty. And you’ll never have to make small talk with a toilet attendant flogging you chupa-chups and a dash of 4-7-11. Little baskets offering cloth hand towels more luxurious than my bath towels. This is about as far away from the jax in Trainspotting as you can get. This one is a keeper. A Must Poo!
The Fitzwilliam:
Number two for number two’s is on the other corner of St Stephen’s Green. As a father of a young boy, my life now revolves around parks. And consequently finding a nearby jax is one of the skills all new fathers must learn. That said, this has always been one of my favourites. The best way to enter is not through the hotel lobby, but the via the entrance to the underground car-park. Ignore the cc-tv cameras and take the stairs to your left. What greets you is a stylish, sophisticated poo-palace that’s always empty! The soothing tiles & mood lighting put you at your ease but it’s the little things that really make this place, like a solid hook to hang your coat, 2-ply paper & a lingering scent of walnut and lavendar. One of Dublin’s best kept secrets I’ve only ever met one other “insider”, offering him a knowing nod. This place is the shit!
Brown Thomas:
The aptly named site for a top flight shite was a happy surprise for me. Since Bewleys shut down I’ve had to forego it’s retro-chic shits & take my business 50 meters down the street. But I have to say, it’s been the best move ever! Take the escalators all the way to the top floor making sure to perve at all the wanabee model/actress/geebag make-up girls. I suggest a quick stop off on the 3rd floor at the Nespresso stand. Just pretend you’re going to buy something and they’ll give you a free coffee. But maybe coffee’s the last thing you need if you’re gaggin’ for a shit. The little couch outside the jax is a nice touch. In fact, combine that with the free coffee & it’s not a bad place to just hang out. Inside you will find spacious, discrete & solid sized cubicles with floor to ceiling doors. In contrast to the wankology of BT’s itself this place is charming and unpretentious. It respects what you’re there to do and doesn’t overcomplicate matters. The seats never need a wipe, the scent is lilac & honeysuckle and there is always a plentiful supply of posh Minge & Soames soap dispensers and hand lotion. Not attached to the wall. That also fit into your pocket. If you like.
A couple of negatives. Slightly higher footfall than I would normally opt for. And hand driers placed too high on the wall which cause drips down my sleeves. That said, it’s the little features in this jax that impress, the automatic taps, the scented candles neatly tucked away in alcoves that cover your tracks, good privacy and soft tunes. Well worth a visit if you’re in the area.
Arnotts:
There is nothing quite like an upmarket shit. Although I do like the jax in Whelans for it’s graffiti, I can see why taking a shit in Arnotts has achieved almost legendary status. This is probably number one for number twos. It takes you back to what it must have been like to poo in the 1930’s. A real gentleman’s poo.
Parisian inspired decor and flattering lighting makes it a pleasure & an honour. I feel so guilty as I destroy the jax. The heating and dim lighting make for a welcome escape as I dash in from the chill outside gagging for a Barry White. The design has a warmth and character that appeal to me. That and the soft rock piped over the tannoy which drowns out my ungodly noises. The complimentary wi-fi is welcome as I may be here for some time. Perhaps a Netflix subscription would be better as my Forrest Gump soon turns into the Fast & the Furious. Luckily, as I’m tucked away on the 5th floor, I have the place to myself. Perhaps next time, after this guide goes viral, which it’s bound to, I will not be so lucky.
The Morrison:
Handy if you’re ever caught short on the Northside. Don’t let the dude in the Top Hat put you off. He’s a doorman. And for all he knows you are a scruffy dot-com billionaire. Walk past him head held high. Walk straight through the lobby down the stairs. Walk through the New Orleans jazz scene inspired doors. And walk into the jax where the lustrous feel continues. You’ll be in for a treat! I love this place. Stylish design featuring large mirrors, beautiful basins & sleek black tiles greet you as you enter this craptastic oasis. They have a selection of cubicles big enough to hold a broadsheet newspaper. Which is convenient as a selection of reading material is complimentary. And none of them have been handed back crumpled and dog-eared. This is 5 star. It’s how I imagine Kim Kardashian might take a shit. And I have imagined that a lot. 3-ply bog roll, mood lighting and piped jazz. This is sheer class for your ass.
Bottoms up!
