Ireland has successfully been awarded the ‘Top Heavy Management Award‘ at the European Managers Managing Management Convention for Managers in Roscommon. The convention was hosted in the emerald isle for the first time, this year (2016), and saw managerial staff from countless EU countries travel to the dead centre of Ireland for the special event. The award for ‘Top Heavy Management’ was based on the number of ‘Managers’ per capita, and Ireland took out top spot successfully for the 2nd year running.
“This award goes along way to show that not only is the economy in Ireland back on track, but we have all the managers we need to take us forward – it’s boom times ahead!” Teddy Noonan, managing director of micro-managing spokes people for the Irish government commented.
We spoke to Niamh Monaghan the managing director of a local independent newspaper, and she provided great insight into the structure of their business and how it has helped Ireland win the award. “I took a look around the office, during the global financial crisis back in 2009, and found everyone was quite unhappy. There were a few near suicides, and I myself actually had absolutely nothing to do, so I started to think – what if we just made everyone a manager?” Niamh said.
Apparently for the business, this changed everything. “Now, just a few years later, we only employ managers. Even Connor who cleans the toilets is a manager.” Niamh continued.
I asked, “What’s his title?” and she replied, “Managing Director of Hygiene.”
Niamh then continued to elaborate, “This entire building is full of managers. There’s a guy over there with glasses on, looking at a computer, and he’s a manager. Your man over there with his face down on his desk is a manager too.”
“Is he alive?” I asked of the latter individual and I was reassured, “Oh he’s very busy managing all sorts of things even with his head on the desk. He’s actually one of our best managers!”
This and similar models have been quickly adopted across the land without question. Low pay, and huge personal taxes simply don’t matter when you’ve got a title of distinction. Never before have the levels of over inflated sense of self importance been so high. Reports from various management specialists have also confirmed that productivity has never been so stringently measured.
“I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m so busy managing, that I haven’t actually done any real work in years. I also found that the less my staff actually do, the less managing I have to do. It’s brilliant!” Patrick O’Donovan, a manager of at a large department store told us.
We understand from various sources that developments are now progressing to export Ireland’s special brand of top heavy management to other countries.